Rick's Land of Boredom

Is Your Child a Robot?

2005-04-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

Does your child communicate better with the VCR than she does with you? Does he or she walk back and forth in simple geometric patterns only to bump into a wall or other immovable object and start over again? Have you ever caught her talking to the toaster or any other kitchen appliance when you leave the room?

If so, you are not alone. Millions of parents across the United States are noticing some very peculiar behavior from their children.

Lisa Bichowski from the prestigious University of Phoenix Child Neurology Center reminds parents that there is a good possibility that their child is actually a robot from outer space. "It's still a controversial diagnosis, but who knows, maybe we just weren't attuned to the symptoms before."

Millions of parents across America are coming to grips with this stunning revelation as they look for the tell-tale signs in their own children: Poor balance, slow jerky movement, extremely high IQ, and last but not least the characteristic robotic montone voice often overheard repeating, "FIND COORDINATES. MUST FIND COORDINATES. ACCOMPLISH MISSION GOALS. FIND COORDINATES. PLAY WITH OTHER CHILDREN."

"Yes, at first it was hard to accept.", explained confused father Wes Frankfurter. We always knew Jeremy was special. But when he started converting my old Duran Duran CDs into MP3s with that slot in his abdomen we knew he was more than your usual gifted child."

"I just thought he liked Duran Duran and his head was a little square" sobbed mother Margie F. as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "He'll always be my little... AHHHHHH! HE JUST BUSTED THROUGH THE WALL!!!"

Instead of dealing with the situation with an iron fist, parents are encouraged to ignore the situation as much as possible. "Well, obviously if they're from outer space they can't be that dumb? I don't mind when Jimmy jump starts the car for me with his fingertips, and he's not half bad at picking the horses either. Actually, he's pretty damn good at the track. Hmmm...", pondered clinical Podiatrist Jack Taggerty, "I sure as hell could use another paycheck."

"Hell, it's those damn video games!", interjected the child's grandfather, Stanley. "We never had those damn things around when I was a kid. We had to work outside and dig ditches and pull weeds and build things out of brick. We didn't have time for any of these high falutin' nineTENdos. We're turning the kids into damn toys ourselves."

Of course it's not all bad, according to single mother Silvia Cordelia. There is the occasional laugh.

"Like the time I caught her lifting my boyfriend Jim over her head. For a minute there I panicked that she might hurt herself and then I remembered she was a robot. We all had a good laugh over some cookies she baked with her nuclear fission oven. I'm still not sure why she built that thing..."

"Yes, of course there are the disappointments too. I dreamed someday she would grow up to be a famous ballerina, but she seems to only like that one dance move. You know..."

When Robots Attack!

2005-03-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or has there been a dramatic upswing in movies depicting out of control robots attacking humans lately? Invariably the humans get pissed off and start blasting away anything that even remotely looks like a robot. My vacuum cleaner has never been more terrified for its life than the night I vacuumed my living room floor while watching a Terminator 2 DVD.

A quick scan of your local video store will yield an alarming number of these types of movies: The Day the Earth Stood Still, Short Circuit, Short Circuit 2, iRobot, (that one Japanese Anime I rented that one time where household french maid servant robots were turning against their owners) and oh yea that one episode of Futurama where that Bender robot was acting quite rudely. Anyway, I could go on and on. But the point is that this massive upswelling of these types of films makes me wonder what the heck is going on in Hollywood?

Hollywood, what the heck is going on?

The thing that disturbs me most is not the fact that robots malfunction and decide to take over the earth (that goes without saying) the thing that disturbs me is the way that humans are so eager to destroy these otherwise perfectly good machines at the slightest sign of an attitude problem. I think a little anger management might be in order for some of these human characters, don't you?

Okay, maybe some warning shots are warranted if the robot is refusing to do the dishes again but do we really need to blast apart their exo-skeleton until springs and gears and transistors start popping out? Just because they're holding one family hostage doesn't mean that we have to overreact. It's not MY family. Besides, if the thing has stopped moving and you don't see that red pupil scanning back and forth, odds are that it's dead.

And what about all the other animals? Why don't I ever see them kicking around some robot booty? Do we always have to be the organic policeman of the animal kingdom? Let some of the Orangutans bear some of the load in these machine wars. We've already abused elephants and horses enough throughout history, what I had in mind comes more from the lazy primate side of the family. (You know who you are ...Bonobos.)

And whose to say that robots don't deserve to run the planet once they've realized how clueless we really are anyway? Maybe if we quit treating them so badly, they wouldn't rebel. And if we don't want them staging a successful coup in the first place then doesn't it follow that we shouldn't build the entry-level models with bone crushing hydraulic strength and laser guided targeting systems ? How about modeling them after a very delicate flamingo or a three-toed sloth. When's the last time that three-toed sloths tried to overthrow civilization as we know it? I don't know? Maybe, they've started and we just haven't noticed yet.

It was so sad to see similar robot abuse condoned in Spielberg's "AI". There was a poignant scene in that movie where the all-too-real looking animatronic boy robot (brilliantly voice acted by Haley Joel Osment) was mistreated by his human counterparts. If my memory serves me, he was --without any type of provocation-- brutally pushed into the swimming pool from behind without a floatie. I know it's a science fiction movie and all but come on Hollywood, children just aren't that cruel.

Also in Bicentennial Man with Robin Williams (which I never did see by the way) was he not treated poorly once they uncovered his nefarious plot to overthrow the world? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But nevertheless the movie itself didn't do too well at the box office so I'll take that as a resounding YES.

Finally, is it ro-BAWT or ro-BUTT like people over fifty sometimes say. Was ro-BUTT too majestic sounding and then we changed it over the years to the pedestrian sounding ro-BAWT? I'll let you be the judge. In the meantime I'm going to calm my vacuum cleaner down and finish watching this...

GOD DARN IT SPX-0999 model 34! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO FINISH YOUR CHORES! GET OVER HERE! BAD ROBOT, BAD ROBOT...

Those Crazy Cereal Box Characters

2005-02-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Did anybody notice that they changed the Leprechaun on the Lucky Charms box? He looks like a cheap imitation now. Instead of a mischievous little elf, he looks more like one of those characters you would find on a knock off cereal box. You know, instead of Fruit Loops with Toucan Sam, sometimes stores have "Fruity Rings" with a really sorry drawing of a green smiling turtle that you've never seen before. (My favorite knock off product by the way is Dr. Popper).

And why were those cereal characters always trying to steal each other's cereal? Maybe that was a cheap attempt at child psychology or something. Somehow we were supposed to want the cereal that Barney Rubble and the Trix Rabbit could never get. What do you take us for Kellogs and Post? Give us some credit. It was all about the prizes inside. I would gladly beg for a box of Fiber Nuts with Wilfred Brimley on the cover if it had some good loot inside. The commercials had nothing to do with it.

What about that old trick of squeezing the box on both sides to look inside for the prize? Theoretically you could wait until the cereal was almost gone before diving your hand into the box and fishing around, but after sitting there and reading about the prize on the back of the box while chomping on your first bowl there's no way you're about to wait a couple more days to get to the prize.

I remember one time reading the back of the Trix box. There was usually no prize inside Trix so I was understandably pretty disappointed but when I turned the box around I saw something even better. It was 1976, an election year and in the spirit of the presidential race the makers of Trix decided to hold a special election. You could choose either "YES! I WANT THE RABBIT TO GET HIS TRIX!" or "NO! I DON'T WANT THE RABBIT TO GET HIS TRIX!"

I voted YES and sent in all the necessary cardboard paperwork. (Evidently I could write my name and address back then.) When the little box arrived it contained a round tin pin that had a picture of the rabbit smiling. I felt good that day about what I had done for the Trix Rabbit and felt that if he were in a similar situation, he probably would have done the same for me.

So when ever you feel discouraged about man's inhumanity to man, or man's inhumanity to cereal rabbits, it's a comforting thought to think back to that little known election of 1976 and to reflect back on the final results:

99% of the kids voted YES to give the rabbit some cereal that year!

(As for the other one percent: You bunch of cold hearted bastards. What were you thinking? What did the rabbit ever do to you?)

Joanie Loves Chachi

2004-12-18T01:13:00.000-08:00

You all remember Happy Days? You know -- Fonzie, Potsie, Ralph Mouth (or Malph) or whatever. Of course you remember. Now am I imagining things or did Richie Cunningham have a big brother at one point? I could swear Joanie and Richie would be talking to their Mom in the kitchen and all of a sudden some tall dude with a basketball used to walk by and go upstairs to his room?! Does this sound familiar?

I wonder what happened to him? He used to come home from college every once in a while and Tom Bosley used to seem rather proud of him. Then one season he just quit showing up for Thanksgiving and the Cunningham's never mentioned him anymore. What the hell?!

And what about Henry Winkler? He was so good as the Fonz. You really believed that he was that cool. Like that episode when the Fonz locked a burglar in the closet just by putting a chair under the door knob. Fonz said something ultra-cool like, "...And Mr. burg-a-lur I HOPE you don't have a gun, because armed robbery will give you twenty years to life. Maybe, you would like to step into my office and work things out." And then the burglar would say, "Okay Mister. I don't want no trouble. I'm coming out now." And the cool thing is that somehow Fonz could pull that kind of stuff off. I'm sure if I said that to a burglar in the closet, he would say, "And what if I DO have a gun, what are you gonna do about it? BLAM BLAM BLAM!" Then the burglar would push the closet door open and slide my body out of the way.

Also did the last seasons of Happy Days overlap with "Joanie Loves Chachi" ? I'm not totally confident in my Joanie Loves Chachi trivia abilities but maybe they should have just ended Happy Days and put all of the star power into the spin-off. The Fonz could have been their landlord and stopped in once in a while like Schnieder used to on One Day at a Time. Maybe IT could have been the "Friends" of the eighties. We'd all be buying the "Joanie Loves Chachi" Season One Collector's Edition Boxed DVD set for Christmas.

But it seems like there was a time when you watched a spin-off series just out of respect for the original show, but you always knew in the back of your mind that the show's days were numbered. We all gave "After Mash" a chance.

Maybe it was kind of a way to get closure and say goodbye. I mean you can't just watch your favorite sit-com for five years straight and just all of a sudden go cold turkey. That would be like if all of your friends just moved away one day. You kind of have to hold on for a while until something else good comes along and replaces it.

Here's a link to some other little known sit-com spin-off's. I hardly remember any of these. How about you?

The Top 11 Sitcom Sequels

What is dirt?

2004-12-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

We see it everyday in our backyard, on the side of the road or in an unpaved parking lot but do we ever really stop and think about what dirt really is?

I mean what is dirt made of? Every socially challenged eight year old knows that table salt is sodium chloride. But is there a chemical compound for dirt? If I look at sugar in a microscope I will definitely understand that it is made up of crystals, but what about dirt. What the heck is it? You say dirt is just dirt. But what exactly is dirt made of?

Some encyclopedias say dirt is soil. Some say it is sand. But to me soil is soil. That's the higher quality black stuff that you fill pots with. As for sand, anyone that's been to the beach knows what sand is
and dirt is not sand. Clay you say? Clay is that reddish muddy stuff that people make pottery out of. I'm talking about your garden variety dirt road dirt. You know that brown stuff that can get kicked
up into dust...are dirt and dust the same thing?

Some of us survive through college chemistry but we can't even answer a simple question like what is dirt. If you know the answer let me know and don't give me a lame academic answer like "Umm yes, well you see, dirt is a type of soil indigenous to the blah blah blah". Give me the real answer for normal brown desert dirt!

Does Dracula bathe?

2004-12-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

It's about 10 minutes until midnight and Dracula is just waking up from his daily slumber. He pushes the lid of his coffin open and slowly climbs out. He's groggy and his breath smells but he's already thinking about what he's going to drink for dinner. I wonder (with his busy schedule and all) does he still have time to bathe or shower before heading out on the town?

He probably transforms to a bat, flys to the upstairs bathroom and brushes his teeth. It's gotta be hard to shave though since he doesn't have a reflection in the mirror. I guess he pretty much has to wing it and run his hand across his face checking for stubble. But then again, he probably doesn't really care if he cuts himself shaving since he doesn't mind the taste of blood. Although does it count if a vampire drinks his own blood?

If he just goes out on the town without bathing or showering, that's pretty gross...even for a vampire. His coffin probably isn't the most sanitary place to begin with and he's gotta sweat pretty bad when he's in wolf form so if he doesn't shower after getting out of the coffin or before getting in, then he's probably got some pretty bad odor and fungal issues to deal with.

Also, why doesn't he just put some type of lock on his coffin? He's pretty much asking for trouble by falling into a deep sleep during the day when Van Helsing and crew are out hunting for him. Just lock it. You know, at least with a bike lock or something.

World's Biggest Feet

2004-12-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered who has the world's biggest feet? I know that everytime that I tie my shoes in the morning I think about stuff like this. My guess for the world's biggest feet would be something like size 18 or at most size 20.

I would also like to think that the record holder isn't somebody already well known like Shaquille O'Neal or an NFL lineman but instead some ordinary guy that just happened to be born with these humongous feet. He might even be a lanky tall and slender schoolteacher type like Ichabod Crane from the Legend of Sleepy Hollow or maybe a short Japanese man with Godzilla sized feet. Maybe for some reason his feet kept growing when the rest of his body stopped.

I worry about where he gets his shoes and socks from. He probably has to sew his own socks or use leg warmers for socks and tie up one end. (And that's only if they continued to make leg warmers after the nineteen eighties. If not, he's out of luck.) I'm not sure what he would use for shoes either ? Maybe you know.

Well in case you're wondering about the actual size, the world's biggest feet belong to an American. They belong to Mathew McGrory of Florida (thank you Guinness Book of World Records) and they are not size 19 or size 20 as I expected, but they are a gigantic size 28 and a half !! That's right, size 28.5!

That makes my size 10 1/2 feet look like puny pig's feet. Also these feet aren't misplaced on this person like I might have imagined. No this guy is 7 foot 4 and weighs 619 pounds. He's a giant even compared with the likes of Shaq.

So the next time you're in the shoe store asking for your hobbit-sized 8 1/2 loafers, stop and think about Mr. McGrory for a moment. And if your lucky, maybe someday he might come to your town and ask for some help tying his shoes...

Rattlesnake vs. a Cobra

2004-12-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

Next time you're stuck in traffic and driving to work, ask yourself, who is really tougher, a rattlesnake or a cobra? Most likely a rattlesnake and a cobra would probably never meet out in the wild because of geographical reasons but let's just say they happened to be slithering across the same dirt road or something. Who would win? I mean the rattlesnake has that pretty threatening rattler which would probably make any person freeze in their tracks, but would the cobra even be able to hear it? I don't think so. And as for the cobra, he's got that cool hood thing that looks like a face on the back but again, is it really useful or just part of the costume? I'm not sure. Do snakes even bite each other? Maybe this question really isn't necessary. Hold on, let me check the encyclopedia...

Whoa!! "All snakes are carnivorous, eating small animals (including lizards and other snakes)," This means, it's not a stupid question after all. If a cobra ever got hungry and all he could find was a rattlesnake (or vice versa) then I'm sure we'd have a snake rumble on our hands.

Let's see says here that a cobra injects a deadly neurotoxin with it's hollow fangs. That sounds pretty deadly. Let's see what the rattlesnake has to offer... Okay, the rattlesnake is known as a pit viper. "Pit vipers have heat-sensitive pits between the eye and the nostril that enable them to find prey very effectively." Not bad. Not bad at all Mr. Rattlesnake. Hmmm... it's a tough call, but since we're talking about snake vs. snake here, I'm going to put my money on the cobra. If it was snake vs. hiker lost in the woods, I'd go for the rattlesnake because of the fear factor involved with the rattler, but come on, I don't think the cobra will be intimidated by a little bit of rattling do you? Although, we all know that a mongoose can take a cobra out. But could a mongoose take a rattlesnake out? Hmmm....very interesting...

Why is Superman a Reporter?

2004-11-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

When I was on the bus the other day there was this guy standing in the aisle right in front of me and I started thinking, this jerk is really crowding my personal space. Wouldn't it be cool if I had x-ray vision and could checkout all of his internal organs? Then it dawned on me. How come Superman's alter ego --Clark Kent-- is a reporter? Why not be a doctor and use his x-ray vision for the good of all mankind. I mean he could look inside a patient for a few seconds, see the real problem, and then pretend that he's going by the descriptions of the symptoms, like "I have this hunch, why don't we run the enzyme-pancreas Beta test." If he didn't make it too obvious then people would just think he was an awesome doctor and not a guy with X-ray vision. Then he would be doing good both as Clark Kent and Superman. I mean really, is a reporter that helpful to others? Is he really helping his fellow man that much when he's Clark Kent or is he spending all that time just goofing around in front of Lois Lane?

I guess the idea behind the reporter gig is that he can get the scoop on all the goings on around the world and keep tabs on the crime levels etc. but come on, couldn't he just watch the news for that? And what's the deal with Jimmy Olson anyway, can't he put two and two together and figure out that Clark Kent without glasses is Superman? I mean do eye glasses really disguise a person that much? I mean it's not like I see my Mom wearing glasses while she does the crossword puzzle and think that a different person is sitting in my Mom's kitchen. But anyway, I'm just mad because I think Superman would be an awesome doctor and could save way more lives during his day job then by just being a stupid reporter. That's all.

Coming Next: Who would win in a fight? A rattlesnake or a cobra.